My Emotional Time Delay

So I’ve come to realise over the weeks (Week 23) that I’m not good with ‘emotions’ (insert dictionary definition of your choice).

Morzine Mountains at Night, 29 March 2016 (Week 4)

You know, ‘feelings’ – things that aren’t ‘stuff’ or aren’t rationale, logical thought. Things that come at you from your core, your stomach, from the middle of your chest.

Don’t get me wrong, I know ‘feelings’ are there, little gremlins gnawing away inside me, but I have a noticeable time lag from when the ‘feeling’ begins, to when it manifests itself in me in a tangible way. It’s like, ‘oh hang on there, what’s this coming up now?’

It’s a sinking feeling in my stomach, like I’m descending rapidly in a lift. Or a sudden welling up of tears right behind my eyes that literally means I can’t see and signals a constant stream of tears that I can’t turn off. Worse still, there are tears accompanied by sobbing, like an uncontrollable bout of hiccups or sneezing you think will never end. Occasionally (usually when I’m driving and alone in Mario, Izzy’s mini) it’s a deep, guttural, seething rage that starts in the pit of my stomach. And worse still, an irrational irritability, a niggling annoyance with everything little thing and anyone anywhere near me.

So when the ‘feeling’ comes, what do I do?

Run with it? Let it out? Embrace it, welcome it in? Or take deep, deep breathes and push it down, push it back, push it away. Or take it out on the nearest (and dearest) person who happens to be within a few feet of me?